


mementos (words can't describe how much i love you)

by hamartiawrites



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: #7YearsOfDanAndPhil, Angst, Established Relationship, Fluff, Japhan, M/M, Timeline, a relationship like theirs please, can you believe they've been together for 7 years bye, it's technically still october 19 in the uk that's good enough for me, marriage maybe?, mimei and duncan at one point, oct 19, pj is also mentioned, tw//self-harm, tw//suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-19
Updated: 2016-10-19
Packaged: 2018-08-23 10:25:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,729
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8324257
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hamartiawrites/pseuds/hamartiawrites
Summary: The story of Dan and Phil's relationship from 2009 until present day told in gifts they get for one another. (Made as a fic in commemoration of #7YearsOfDanAndPhil)





	

**Author's Note:**

> WARNING: Small mentions of suicide and self-harm, please don't read on if you're sensitive about these topics!

Phil comes up with the idea when they first meet.

He's nervous when he tells Dan about it, warning him that it's cheesy and that Dan would probably not like it, but Dan urges him on until he admits that he's thought about giving each other presents every October 19 as a sort of symbol for their relationship - a material thing to remind the other how their relationship has survived another year despite all the hardships.

Phil stays nervous about the idea until Dan speaks up and says that it's the best thing he's ever thought of and hugs Phil tight, because he doesn't know what he did to deserve someone as amazing as Phil.

(No pun intended.)

And so it starts, Dan and Phil agreeing to alternate years so they each have a year to relax and just sit back and wait for the other to give them a gift. Dan has always liked gifts, and has always liked material things to remind him of memories and of people, so their little unknown tradition is nothing short of genius.

(And, Dan thinks with a smile, the person who had thought about the idea in the first place is nothing short of a miracle.)

* * *

2009 is a teddy bear, soft and dressed and colored plaid, handed to Dan as soon as Dan agrees to Phil's idea of giving each other memoirs. It's a stuffed bear normal in every aspect, with normal beaded eyes and a hand sewn smile, but it looks like Phil, it smells like Phil, it feels like Phil.

It feels like home.

Home is being miles away from each other but still feeling like they're right there beside you and not behind a pixelated screen. Home is Dan telling Phil how terrible his day's been and getting comfort from him. It's Phil telling Dan how amazing his day has been and Dan getting to enjoy the happy smile on Phil's face because if he's happy, there's no reason to still stay sad.

Home is Phil hugging Dan close to him so that Dan feels safe in his arms, and home is Dan hugging the teddy bear on the train back to Reading and feeling the warmth of Phil's arms around him.

2009 is a teddy bear, named jokingly but affectionately by Dan as Le Petite Philip, hugged tight to Dan's chest whenever he falls asleep, the scent of Phil still lingering even after washing the bear countless times, with Phil watching Dan fall asleep behind a pixelated screen with the teddy bear hugged close to his chest, and falling in love even more.

(Le Petite Philip becomes the reason Phil calls Dan 'Bear'.)

* * *

2010 is a vomit green scarf, handed to Phil without any kind of wrapping because Dan had been too busy worrying to remember to wrap it, and by the time he had remembered, it had been too late, so he just hands it to Phil without a word when they see each other again, blushing terribly and looking down in shame at his gift.

It's a scarf tearing apart at the seams, not store bought but handmade, knitted by Dan painstakingly as his grandmother watched his every move. It's scratchy, and has some holes and knots from where Dan's made countless mistakes, and Dan wants to take it back from Phil and apologize and then suggest Phil tell him what he wants, but the next thing he knows, Phil is wrapping the scarf around his own neck and beaming as he tells Dan it's a perfect fit.

Dan's always felt like he needs to prove something to Phil - no, not prove, but impress. Yes, impress, because Dan is just this small nineteen year old university student who still cries and Phil is this twenty four year old mature adult with his own flat, and it intimidates Dan to no end because what if Phil realizes that everyone else is right, that he shouldn't waste his time with someone like Dan, who's far too young and immature?

But then there are those moments, moments exactly like this, where Phil looks at Dan like he has just done or said the most amazing thing Phil has ever seen, and Dan feels a little bit better about himself.

2010 is a vomit green scarf that Phil treats as if it's fragile (and Dan knows it is), a scarf that Phil goes around wearing every time he gets the slightest bit cold, that he boasts to everyone about, telling them how amazingly talented Dan is and how lucky Phil is to have him. It's Dan blushing wildly every time Phil compliments him, feeling even luckier to have Phil and feeling happy and satisfied about something he's done.

(Phil is wearing the scarf when he meets Dan's grandmother, and she looks on at him with a grateful smile.)

* * *

2011 is a Winnie the Pooh mug wrapped in a cute little box with a bow on top. It's store bought, and it looks like it was meant for kids, or maybe for the busy adults that didn't have time for their kids and just buy random stuff for them on their birthday. The wrapping is sort of wonky, and Phil doesn't make a big deal out of giving the present to Dan, but Dan jumps up to hug him upon opening it.

Too many things have come along with Dan dropping out of university. Phil doesn't tell Dan, but he hears the nights Dan gets out of bed and answers his ringing phone, only to come back with tear-stained cheeks and looking even more broken, and Phil has to pretend he's just woken up, has to pretend that he hasn't just heard Dan pleading to his parents to not make him go back to university, for them to understand, for them to accept that he's happy, for them to accept him - all to no avail.

Phil hugs Dan close to his chest every night, hoping he can take some of the pain away, or at least distract him from it, but he knows he isn't helping the problem at all.

He can see it in Dan's eyes - the uncertainty that comes with the fact that he lives with Phil now. Phil doesn't blame Dan for it - their little home is still full to the brim with Phil's stuff, and Dan's is still packed tightly in moving boxes from when he moved to his university dorm.

Dan is too frightened to initiate that next step in their relationship. After knowing Dan for so long, Phil can practically see the gears turning in Dan's head.

_Maybe Phil only allowed me to live with him because he's a kind guy. Not because he loves me. Not because he wants to._

Of course, Dan is wrong, completely wrong, but Phil isn't one to give it to Dan bluntly, so he does it gently, just like he always is with Dan. He starts to help Dan unpack, starts to refer to the flat as _their_ apartment in front of other friends, and slowly, Dan starts to act like the flat is home, and the smile on his face reappears.

2011 is a Winnie the Pooh mug, a mug that replaces Dan's previous plain white mug. It's the last piece that ties in their home, because now Dan has a container for his hot chocolate that he knows will not be scattered haphazardly around the house, now he can stop staring at the long line of mugs for one he hasn't used yet. It's Phil waking up to the sound of clanking mugs from the kitchen, and it's Phil walking into the sight of Dan sleepily sipping at the Winnie the Pooh mug of hot chocolate in his hands while waiting for Phil's coffee to finish brewing. It's Phil snaking his arms around Dan's waist and sleepily murmuring "good morning, bear", and them staying there until Phil's coffee is ready and they can both curl up on their couch and watch their favorite television program.

(Sometimes, because he feels like it, Dan puts the coffee in his Winnie the Pooh mug and the hot chocolate in one of Phil's, because what's his is Phil's, and what's Phil's is his.)

* * *

2012 is a letter in Dan's scraggly handwriting. It's left on Phil's bedside table, where the older YouTuber finds it a few hours later. Dan isn't home, probably out doing God knows what, so Phil is left to open (or read) the gift by himself.

Phil races out of the flat as soon as he's finished reading it, tears in his eyes and phone and letter clutched in his hands. He furiously starts contacting Dan, hoping, praying, that when he does get to Dan, there will still be life and warmth and love and every emotion possible behind those chocolate brown eyes.

It's to his surprise, however, that as soon as he's called Dan's mobile for the ninth time, a person finally picks up, and it's not Dan's voice that tells him what he wants and needs and has to know, but PJ's.

He's alive, that much PJ can tell him, but Phil can hear the sound of Dan's short, panicked breaths in the background, and he runs faster than he's ever run to the Tube.

The ride to Brighton is nerve wracking and too long for Phil's liking, but finally he's there, and he's hailing a cab and then he's running out the cab up to PJ's front door and then PJ opens the door wide open and Phil races to the living room and there is Dan, shaking and hugging himself and sobbing wildly but as soon as he sees Phil he just launches himself at him, clinging onto Phil like he's a lifeline, and he's mumbling sorry over and over again and Phil crumbles at the sight of the cuts on Dan's wrists - some fading, some new - and he's sobbing as well, tears falling onto Dan's brown mop of hair as Dan's own tears soak Phil's chest.

PJ lets them stay like that for the night, mumbling apologies and promises to each other as they hold on tight.

They'll be okay, Phil tells Dan, and Dan nods, repeating the words as he holds onto Phil's hand tight. They'll be okay.

2012 is a letter in Dan's own handwriting, asking for forgiveness for everything (the denial, the insults, the disgust that he uses to try and hide the fact that he and Phil are together), and it's Phil asking for another chance to show Dan that they're worth everything they've been through. It's Dan and Phil falling asleep on the couch of their friend's home, back in each other's arms, and then never letting go.

(2012 becomes a thing their fans know not to talk about much. Dan and Phil don't talk about it, either.)

* * *

2013 is an expensive brand name backpack, given to Dan by a grinning Phil. The backpack is still in the box it had been delivered in a few hours before Phil gives Dan the present, so Dan has no clue what it is until he opens it, and then he's on the floor gaping at Phil in pure shock with the backpack still in his hands.

Dan immediately demands Phil for a reason to why he's bought such an expensive item when they're still adjusting to the shockingly high change that has come with living in London (it's been a year or so but they still haven't completely unpacked) and half of their furniture is still from IKEA and likely to fall apart at any minute, but the only thing Phil does is smile at Dan until Dan's shoulders slump, takes in a deep breath and goes, "OHMYGOD PHIL!" and starts fangirling over a backpack.

Phil thinks it's adorable.

There's something about the way Dan practically lights up when he gets excited. Phil has the luck of seeing it more than once, and it's such a beautiful thing to witness. Dan takes a moment or so to realize that something's happening, and then he takes in a deep breath as a grin expands on his face and then he lurches forward with either a laugh or with two hands pressed to his cheeks and a frozen grin on his face, and Dan stays in the best mood for almost the whole day.

It's hard for Phil to not want to strive to see it again and again, especially when he's the reason behind it happening sometimes.

It's funny, Phil realizes at one point, how much he's noticed about Dan. They had used to say that they love everything about the other, and although it's true, Phil is certain that it's only now that he's noticed the little things about Dan, because their life is calmer now, quieter than before, and everything is settling down nicely and back to normal, but to a newer normal (a better normal, in Phil's opinion), and Phil finally notices all the little things about Dan all over again - how he loves moving his hands when he talks, the way he taps his fingers on the table to the tune of whatever he's listening to on his headphones, the way his hands clutch around whatever is available for him to grab at when he's asleep - and he's falling in love all over again.

2013 is an expensive brand name backpack given to Dan just to see him smile. It's giggling about nothing at midnight and feeling happy and free in each other's arms, and no longer caring about what the world thinks about them, because all that matters is that they're happy and in love and probably going through a honeymoon phase that will probably never end, and Phil is sure that the smile on Dan's face is telling him that Dan doesn't want anything to end, either. Sure, they're still not nearly as open to each other as they were a few years back, but that's expected considering the circumstances. Phil can wait - Phil will never grow tired of waiting.

(There are about a thousand pictures of candid photos of Dan smiling in Phil's gallery that his boyfriend doesn't know about. And maybe most of them are from their fans' accounts, but that's not a bad thing, right?)

* * *

2014 is a duvet from IKEA, an exact replica of Phil's current one except brand new, and Dan doesn't even give it directly to Phil at all, just calls him one day while he's busy editing for a gaming video (they have a gaming channel now, who would have thought?) and when Phil walks into his room Dan is dumping his old duvet into a garbage bag and noisily opening the plastic packet that contains the new one - which, Phil repeats, looks exactly the same.

Phil's confused at first - he very well knows the date, but he doesn't know why Dan's bought a replica of his duvet of all things as a gift for him. He loves Dan, and will love anything Dan gives him, but why a duvet that he already has?

Phil opens his mouth to ask Dan directly why he's bought a duvet when Dan answers nonchalantly, not even looking directly at as he lays the new duvet on the bed neatly, that he's been wanting to sleep under a new duvet for months now.

It's silent after that, with only the sound of Dan humming as he fixes the duvet to "make it look perfect", but then a split second later Dan is letting out a sound of protest as Phil basically hurls himself at Dan, causing them to both fall onto the bed - their bed.

As Phil looks around the room - their room - he notices the little things that Dan has scattered, things that subtly tell Phil that Dan has claimed residence in the room permanently. On the floor near to their TV, Dan's laptop is charging next to Phil's laptop; in Phil's wardrobe, there are hangers that hold up black shirts that are definitely not Phil's; on the left bedside table is Dan's charging phone; and the top of Phil's drawer now has two straighteners instead of one.

It's only 11 PM, way too early for either of them to be asleep, and Phil still has a video to edit, but only one look passes between the couple before they both change into pajamas (Dan more of stripping than changing) and snuggle under the new duvet as a randomly picked movie plays on the TV screen in front of them. Dan comments something about forgetting how nice it was to have a TV in their room, and Phil's heart maybe beats a little harder when Dan snuggles closer to him and lets out a content sigh.

2014 is a new duvet from IKEA that looks exactly like Phil's old one, bought by Dan months beforehand in his excitement to feel the warmth of Phil's body pressed into his as he sleeps. It's a duvet divided into squares, varying into three different colors - sort of how Phil's eyes are "three different colors all at once." It's Dan being back in Phil's arms and, if possible, being more open about his and Phil's relationship to their close friends and family. It's waking up in each other's arms and debating about who opens the door, who's turn it is to make cereal for both of them, or sometimes just spending a whole lazy day lying in bed and kissing and just being in love.

(It's weird how a duvet can smell like two different people at the same time, and how much Dan and Phil rely on it when the other is away.)

* * *

2015 is a _omamori_ that Duncan had suggested Phil buy when the latter asked if he had any ideas for a gift he could give Dan. Phil takes some time explaining the Japanese amulet to Dan, but when he's done, Dan looks at him with tears in his eyes and hugs him tight, repeating over and over to Phil that he loves him.

Phil had been curious about the tiny pastel pink bag hanging from Duncan's bag, especially upon seeing Mimei with the exact same thing, except in pastel blue. Duncan had smiled, explained that it was an _enmusubi_ \- a type of Japanese amulet or charm for couples that wished to stay together and maintain the strong bond that they have. Immediately after Duncan explaining the story of him getting the charms for him and Mimei, Phil's eyes had shifted to Dan, who was smiling and talking animatedly to Mimei as he walked.

Duncan had smiled and offered to bring him to the store where they had bought it, and Phil had walked out of the store with his own pair of tiny pastel blue and pink bags (which, Duncan had informed him, was better not to open).

Phil places the two amulets in Dan's hands, and clasps them gently, looking up at Dan and telling him, softly, as if he doesn't want anyone else to hear, that he knows they don't need a charm to stay together, because he loves Dan and Dan loves him as well, but he feels like he needs to provide Dan with something to hold on to, to remind Dan that they've made it this far because of their love for each other, and they'll make it even farther.

Dan is still crying tears of joy when Phil stops explaining. His mind is running through all the memories he and Phil had together in Japan, the promises made under blooming cherry blossom trees, the feeling that they had been on a honeymoon when they're not technically married (then again, the only thing proving that is an unsigned piece of paper), and _god_ , Dan loves Phil so much, he loves him so much.

2015 is an enmusubi that's pastel pink and blue, resting beside the Dan and Phil plushies they have holding hands above the fireplace. It's stealing kisses at random times, hugging the other person tight for no apparent reason other than to make each other feel happy, it's Dan shouting at Phil to not eat his cereal, it's Phil shouting at Dan to get some sleep because they have to rehearse for the stage show early the next morning, it's fans speculating even more that they're together and them not caring, it's their friends asking what the cute little pastel bags beside their plushies are and them explaining that it's supposed to strengthen their love and relationship even more, their friends answering that they don't need it because they're already too in love with one another, and Dan and Phil agreeing as they send each other a look of pure love and adoration.

(Phil finds out that Duncan had forgotten to mention that the charm was most used among newlyweds, but he figures he and Dan could technically be considered newlyweds anyway.)

* * *

2016 is different.

2016 is a blindfolded Phil being led to Manchester Piccadilly by his brother, who is smiling at Dan with gratitude as he turns Phil to face Dan's way and takes off the blindfold.

2016 is Dan wearing the same tux he had worn when they had filmed Dil getting married, one hand in his pocket as he looks at Phil with nothing but love.

2016 is Phil's eyes filling with tears as Dan takes a deep breath and starts to list off everything Phil has ever done for him, starting from 2009 up to present day.

2016 is Dan getting on one knee in front of Phil and taking out a small velvet box, opening it to reveal a beautiful diamond ring.

2016 is a question: "Will you marry me, Phil Lester?"

2016 is a kiss among the crowd of busy people, just like 2009.

2016 is knowing that they were going to make it this far, doubting sometimes, but never, never falling out of love, because they're Dan and Phil, and their love is something no one can ever change.

* * *

The invitation comes in the mail to their friends. It's encased in a simple white envelope, and the invitation itself is white, with a wreath of cherry blossoms in the middle encasing writing that states:

_Daniel James Howell_

_and_

_Philip Michael Lester_

_request the honor of your presence_

_at their marriage on the_

_19th of October, 2017_

__

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: It's still technically October 19 in the West as I'm posting this, so that's good enough for me. 
> 
> The gifts mentioned here are, as far as I know, not things Dan and Phil own. With the exception of Phil's duvet (which I am certain is still the same duvet Phil first bought), Dan and Phil have never even been seen with these items at all. 
> 
> To anyone that wants to know what exactly Phil gave to Dan in 2015, it's a Japanese charm or amulet called _enmusubi_ and is supposed to help you with love. The charms Dan and Phil own in the story supposedly look like [this.](https://files.tofugu.com/articles/japan/2014-06-25-omamori/romance-omamori.jpg)
> 
> Also, I know everyone thinks that Dan and Phil are going to get married in 2022, but 2017 just felt like a satisfactory date. 
> 
> As always, you can [reblog](http://hamartiahowell.tumblr.com/post/152029665118/mementos-words-cant-describe-how-much-i-love) this on Tumblr or [retweet](https://twitter.com/hamartiahowell/status/788784830070652928) this on Twitter, and I'd appreciate if if you left a kudos or comment down below! 
> 
> \- hamartiawrites


End file.
